Popular Post John_RCModelz Posted December 9, 2015 Popular Post Share Posted December 9, 2015 WARNING FOR ALL MALES FROM ME Last weekend I saw something at The Army Disposal Shop that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife Suzann. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Suzann what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Nigella looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Nigella (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the lounge, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. · My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV. · The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. · My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. · My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. · I had no control over the drooling. · Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. · I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
everclear1984 Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 You just made my day Haven't laughed like that in a long time 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John_RCModelz Posted December 9, 2015 Author Share Posted December 9, 2015 The laughter hurts 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tug Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 Did you seriously zap yourself? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jony nitro Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 I laughed hard but I want HD footage or I don't believe you. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lel-95 Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 "I was looking for a little something different for my wife Suzann. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer." Man logic right there! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chewbacca Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 I just read this. And then had to read it to my Mum. Bearing in mind the fact that I have't drunk more than a pint since New Years Eve and I'm well into the second bottle of red tonight. We were both crying with laughter. (And she is sober) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sean-vrs Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 just read this, my sides are hurting! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toxic Basher Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 Tug this has been around a good while. Read it myself years ago. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carpmart Posted February 21, 2016 Share Posted February 21, 2016 Indeed, an old one but a good one! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tug Posted February 21, 2016 Share Posted February 21, 2016 It did sound familiar, besides, they're illegal in the UK. Good story though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John_RCModelz Posted February 21, 2016 Author Share Posted February 21, 2016 This had to be brought back to life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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